Gaslighting: Manipulation for Narcissistic Means

You have probably heard the term “gaslighting” lately in everyday conversations, and you might be asking yourself “what is gaslighting?”. The reality of what this term means will shed more light into the reality of what a victim of an abusive relationship lives through every day.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where the abuser seeks to make the victim question their perception of reality and of themselves. The name comes from a 1938 British play called Gas Light, later adapted into two different movies called Gaslight, where the genteel husband starts manipulating his heiress wife by dimming and brightening the lights (which were gas powered) to make her think that she was losing her mind so he could steal from her.

Gaslighting takes many shapes and abusers have different tactics to make their victims doubt their sense of reality. Victims of gaslighting are given false information systematically and deliberately until they slowly start losing their sense of reality, making them doubt their memory, causing paranoia, and eventually making them believe that they are not capable of handling themselves, ceding control to the abuser, either voluntarily, or not.

The reason why gaslighting occurs in abusive relationships is because it is a way of controlling the victim, giving complete power to the gaslighter. Offenders will target the victim’s sense of identity, which will often have a lasting effect on the victim’s self-esteem, trust in others, and even make them lose their sense of self worth.

How to recognize a gaslighter?

People who become gaslighters tend to be narcissistic manipulators who crave control, constantly feel like they are superior to others, self-promoting and with grandiose personalities. Although gaslighting is not exclusive to people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they are the most common abusers. Psychopaths have also been known to use these tactics. Both personality disorders characterize for their lack of empathy, an “indescribable coldness” that people who know them portray them with.

Psychopaths and narcissists also have a very tough time maintaining relationships and even jobs, so they change their place of residence constantly and seldom have stable relationships with other people. This is due to their manipulative selfish tendencies, because they use people to satisfy their own needs, they end up destroying most relationships of any kind and becoming toxic to their environments, thus, their environments reject them.

Despite the portrayal in movies and TV shows, where psychopaths are depicted as highly skilled in social situations and exceptionally intelligent, those are the rare instances of highly functional, smart, and extremely violent individuals. The reality is that psychopaths and narcissists are usually regularly skilled people with an abnormal sense of self-importance and a complete lack of empathy for others.

What are the main signs of gaslighting?

People who use gaslighting are seeking to manipulate the other person since the beginning of the relationship, so most times, the signs appear since the very first interactions, establishing the dynamic of the relationship where the abuser will make sure that they always have an edge on the victim. Some of the main signs are:

• They will confide in the victim, or give them “confidential” information from the beginning. This establishes intimacy from the first few contacts with the objective of making victim highly infatuated with the abuser. This is known as “love bombing”.
• They start giving the victim small bits of misinformation that eventually build up until the volume of lies and misconceptions make the victim start to question reality.
• They will give small encouragements and positive reinforcements. Periods or calm an peace are recurrent in abusive relationships, which you can learn more in our previous post about the cycle of abuse.
• There is always a narrative that they are trying to help the victim, but the victim is the problem, making them feel authentically mentally ill. When this is mixed with the stress, anguish, anxiety and depression caused by the confusion, it’s the perfect mix for the abuser to take advantage.
• They may attempt to turn their friends and family against them, telling them that the victim has lost all sense of reality or that they are lying.
• They will project onto the victim, often attributing to them problems that are actually reflective of their own behaviors. They may label them as liars, drunks, addicts, or engage in other forms of conduct, when in reality, the perpetrator is the true enactor.

Escaping a gaslighter

This is one of the most difficult situations to escape, since gaslighters are manipulators and will quickly start with positive reinforcement, or put themselves as the victim. By this point, the abuser probably has control over assets such as bank accounts that will make it harder for the victim to leave.

Consider the following strategies to help you break free from the cycle of abuse:

Confiding in someone you trust

Many individuals who experience abuse often confide in someone close to them before seeking external assistance. Sharing their experiences with a trusted friend or family member can illuminate patterns of behavior indicative of abuse. Frequently, these trusted people play a pivotal role in facilitating the victim’s escape from an abusive environment by offering emotional support, assisting with strategic planning, or even serving as allies in their journey to safety.

Make an escape plan

You will have to make a plan that is ready for you to act on at a moment’s notice. Successful escapes are bold decisions taken when an opportunity window opens. Gaslighters will have complete control of the victim, so having things such as an escape backpack with the essentials, cash, a burner phone, an escape vehicle or person who can help you escape are some of the things you will need to make sure you escape the grasp of the abuser.

You can check other resources here about making an escape plan.

Seeking professional support

At Stepping Stones Crisis Society, you can always find help if you are considering leaving an abusive household in Northern Alberta, particularly in the Cold Lake and Bonnyville areas. You can reach our helpline at 780-594-3353 or contact us at outreach@SteppingStonesSociety.ca. We offer a emergency residential shelter for women, with or without their children, and their family pets (dog or cat).

If you find this article useful, or want to support our cause, please donate here. Every dollar counts and our clients will greatly appreciate it.